Hot Air Baloon Encounter

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him,

“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

Homeowner “Accidentally” Shot 6 Times by Cops

Imagine this: you’re at home, minding your own business with your wife and two small children, when an intruder makes their way into your home. Like a good father & husband, you pull out your legally registered firearm, confront the intruder and get them on the ground, while your wife calls the Police. Minutes later, the police show up, and despite your wife’s warnings to them, open fire on YOU.

WITHOUT WARNING.

SIX. FUCKING. TIMES.

Warning: This video/audio is a bit hard to watch.

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/crime/2009/10/09/pn.cop.shoots.homeowner.cnn

Well, you know what, it’s the victim’s fault for looking mexican. Everyone knows that chubby mexicans cannot be homeowners, they should not carry guns (even legally), and definitely should not be married to cute, healthy, non-obese, articulate white women.
</sarcasm>

Fucking racial profiling.

The police officer was actually CLEARED of wrongdoing. WTF?? Where is fucking JUSTICE in this society? Where’re our vigilantes? Where’s the cold hand of veangance? I am so pissed right now, because this poor guy’s life is ruined for no other reason than the police fucked up (and admitted to doing so) and yet the police officer WALKS AWAY. Home to his OWN goddamn family. Because, of course, police officers value THEIR lives more than that of other citizens (law-abiding or otherwise).

This is fucking BULLSHIT.

My heart really goes out to the wife of the victim. Goddamn racist cops, man. Can you imagine if the homeowner was BLACK? Right now they’d be planning his funeral, because he’d have been “accidentally” shot TWELVE times, tazed, and set on fire for good measure. And he need not even be carrying a gun. It’d have been done just on principle.

Man, this shit will never end. It will NEVER end.

Casual Observation – Black Women Are Psycho

Based on over 10 years of experience, I have come to the conclusion… I mean, I am fairly goddamn certain… that the majority of African-American women are emotionally and mentally ill.

And I don’t mean African-Immigrant women either. Those ones have their own set of challenges and quirks, none of which I’d classify as anything even approaching the raving madness which is African-American women.

Now, please don’t ask me to back up my statement with stuff like ”facts” and “research”.  What respectable clinic, agency, or research group would be suicidal enough to publish anything that even HINTS of gender-biased data?

Look, eventually I’ll get around to writing my book and telling stories of my experiences and encounters. Until then, you’ll have to just trust me and my experiences and observations:

Black women are certified bat-shit insane.

“Bible Illuminated”. WTF??

This new book is missing the point completely.

More high-end magazine than your typical Bible, the approved American Bible Society text is laid out in easy-to-read columns and paragraphs using chapter headings only, no verses. Totally unique in format and design, the contemporary photographs complement the story, provoke thought and connect to your everyday life.

I think “sex sells” is being taken a little too far here, bordering on outright blasphemy.. Why do we need pictures of celebrities in our Bible? What is this, My First Picture Bible? What’s next, Dr. Seuss’ Guide to the the Scriptures?

Like all religious holy texts, The Christian Bible is, by necessity, a dense book. If you don’t take your faith seriously enough to read even a few verses a day, pictures – let alone completely irrelevant ones – won’t make it any easier to digest.

Even if this glorified – pun intended – picturebook is being marketed towards a younger, “hipper” audience, it will still fail. Thing is, young adults don’t LIKE to read, they want to look at pictures or watch a movie. Youngsters, especially in the Western World, are generally retarded and most have ADHD anyway.

Look, I’m definitely no saint (in fact I am an angry, jaded, bitter, faithless person) but I DO know what the Bible is about, having read it cover-to-cover at least THRICE in my lifetime.

And this, sirs, is NO Bible.

That's the problem that Bible Illuminated tries (and fails) to address... no matter what we do, any Young Person caught reading the Bible is immediately (and ironically) assumed to be teh GAY.

Goodbye, GM (by Michael Moore)

June 1, 2009
I write this on the morning of the end of the once-mighty General Motors. By high noon, the President of the United States will have made it official: General Motors, as we know it, has been totaled.
As I sit here in GM’s birthplace, Flint, Michigan, I am surrounded by friends and family who are filled with anxiety about what will happen to them and to the town. Forty percent of the homes and businesses in the city have been abandoned. Imagine what it would be like if you lived in a city where almost every other house is empty. What would be your state of mind?
It is with sad irony that the company which invented “planned obsolescence” — the decision to build cars that would fall apart after a few years so that the customer would then have to buy a new one — has now made itself obsolete. It refused to build automobiles that the public wanted, cars that got great gas mileage, were as safe as they could be, and were exceedingly comfortable to drive. Oh — and that wouldn’t start falling apart after two years. GM stubbornly fought environmental and safety regulations. Its executives arrogantly ignored the “inferior” Japanese and German cars, cars which would become the gold standard for automobile buyers. And it was hell-bent on punishing its unionized workforce, lopping off thousands of workers for no good reason other than to “improve” the short-term bottom line of the corporation. Beginning in the 1980s, when GM was posting record profits, it moved countless jobs to Mexico and elsewhere, thus destroying the lives of tens of thousands of hard-working Americans. The glaring stupidity of this policy was that, when they eliminated the income of so many middle class families, who did they think was going to be able to afford to buy their cars? History will record this blunder in the same way it now writes about the French building the Maginot Line or how the Romans cluelessly poisoned their own water system with lethal lead in its pipes.
So here we are at the deathbed of General Motors. The company’s body not yet cold, and I find myself filled with — dare I say it — joy. It is not the joy of revenge against a corporation that ruined my hometown and brought misery, divorce, alcoholism, homelessness, physical and mental debilitation, and drug addiction to the people I grew up with. Nor do I, obviously, claim any joy in knowing that 21,000 more GM workers will be told that they, too, are without a job.
But you and I and the rest of America now own a car company! I know, I know — who on earth wants to run a car company? Who among us wants $50 billion of our tax dollars thrown down the rat hole of still trying to save GM? Let’s be clear about this: The only way to save GM is to kill GM. Saving our precious industrial infrastructure, though, is another matter and must be a top priority. If we allow the shutting down and tearing down of our auto plants, we will sorely wish we still had them when we realize that those factories could have built the alternative energy systems we now desperately need. And when we realize that the best way to transport ourselves is on light rail and bullet trains and cleaner buses, how will we do this if we’ve allowed our industrial capacity and its skilled workforce to disappear?
Thus, as GM is “reorganized” by the federal government and the bankruptcy court, here is the plan I am asking President Obama to implement for the good of the workers, the GM communities, and the nation as a whole. Twenty years ago when I made “Roger & Me,” I tried to warn people about what was ahead for General Motors. Had the power structure and the punditocracy listened, maybe much of this could have been avoided. Based on my track record, I request an honest and sincere consideration of the following suggestions:
1. Just as President Roosevelt did after the attack on Pearl Harbor, the President must tell the nation that we are at war and we must immediately convert our auto factories to factories that build mass transit vehicles and alternative energy devices. Within months in Flint in 1942, GM halted all car production and immediately used the assembly lines to build planes, tanks and machine guns. The conversion took no time at all. Everyone pitched in. The fascists were defeated.
We are now in a different kind of war — a war that we have conducted against the ecosystem and has been conducted by our very own corporate leaders. This current war has two fronts. One is headquartered in Detroit. The products built in the factories of GM, Ford and Chrysler are some of the greatest weapons of mass destruction responsible for global warming and the melting of our polar icecaps. The things we call “cars” may have been fun to drive, but they are like a million daggers into the heart of Mother Nature.. To continue to build them would only lead to the ruin of our species and much of the planet.
The other front in this war is being waged by the oil companies against you and me. They are committed to fleecing us whenever they can, and they have been reckless stewards of the finite amount of oil that is located under the surface of the earth. They know they are sucking it bone dry. And like the lumber tycoons of the early 20th century who didn’t give a damn about future generations as they tore down every forest they could get their hands on, these oil barons are not telling the public what they know to be true — that there are only a few more decades of useable oil on this planet.. And as the end days of oil approach us, get ready for some very desperate people willing to kill and be killed just to get their hands on a gallon can of gasoline.
President Obama, now that he has taken control of GM, needs to convert the factories to new and needed uses immediately.
2. Don’t put another $30 billion into the coffers of GM to build cars. Instead, use that money to keep the current workforce — and most of those who have been laid off — employed so that they can build the new modes of 21st century transportation. Let them start the conversion work now.
3. Announce that we will have bullet trains criss-crossing this country in the next five years. Japan is celebrating the 45th anniversary of its first bullet train this year. Now they have dozens of them. Average speed: 165 mph. Average time a train is late: under 30 seconds. They have had these high speed trains for nearly five decades — and we don’t even have one! The fact that the technology already exists for us to go from New York to L..A. in 17 hours by train, and that we haven’t used it, is criminal. Let’s hire the unemployed to build the new high speed lines all over the country. Chicago to Detroit in less than two hours. Miami to DC in under 7 hours. Denver to Dallas in five and a half. This can be done and done now.
4. Initiate a program to put light rail mass transit lines in all our large and medium-sized cities. Build those trains in the GM factories. And hire local people everywhere to install and run this system.
5. For people in rural areas not served by the train lines, have the GM plants produce energy efficient clean buses.
6. For the time being, have some factories build hybrid or all-electric cars (and batteries). It will take a few years for people to get used to the new ways to transport ourselves, so if we’re going to have automobiles, let’s have kinder, gentler ones. We can be building these next month (do not believe anyone who tells you it will take years to retool the factories — that simply isn’t true).
7. Transform some of the empty GM factories to facilities that build windmills, solar panels and other means of alternate forms of energy. We need tens of millions of solar panels right now. And there is an eager and skilled workforce who can build them.
8. Provide tax incentives for those who travel by hybrid car or bus or train. Also, credits for those who convert their home to alternative energy.
9. To help pay for this, impose a two-dollar tax on every gallon of gasoline. This will get people to switch to more energy saving cars or to use the new rail lines and rail cars the former autoworkers have built for them.
Well, that’s a start. Please, please, please don’t save GM so that a smaller version of it will simply do nothing more than build Chevys or Cadillacs. This is not a long-term solution. Don’t throw bad money into a company whose tailpipe is malfunctioning, causing a strange odor to fill the car.
100 years ago this year, the founders of General Motors convinced the world to give up their horses and saddles and buggy whips to try a new form of transportation. Now it is time for us to say goodbye to the internal combustion engine. It seemed to serve us well for so long. We enjoyed the car hops at the A&W. We made out in the front — and the back — seat. We watched movies on large outdoor screens, went to the races at NASCAR tracks across the country, and saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time through the window down Hwy. 1. And now it’s over. It’s a new day and a new century. The President — and the UAW — must seize this moment and create a big batch of lemonade from this very sour and sad lemon.
Yesterday, the last surviving person from the Titanic disaster passed away. She escaped certain death that night and went on to live another 97 years. So can we survive our own Titanic in all the Flint Michigans of this country. 60% of GM is ours. I think we can do a better job.
Yours,
Michael Moore
MMFlint@aol.com
MichaelMoore.com

Student who shot classmate to graduate, no jail time

Let’s face it… our legal system is broken:

About 500 students will graduate Saturday from Atlanta’s prestigious Morehouse College. One person who won’t be there is Rashad Johnson, shot three times by a fellow student. But the shooter will receive his diploma — part of a plea deal that spared him up to 20 years in prison.

I doubt there’d have been this much controversy if the shooter was white. If the shooter was white and the victim was black, chances are they VICTIM would have been blamed for the incident, and HE would have been sent to prison for life (with a bullet in his leg), while the shooter would have been the one finishing college and going on to get a good job and bang hot chicks.

This legal system is jacked.

Going to extremes for school reunions

Using an upside-down stripper as a stand-in looks... fun?

While a high school reunion can simply bring together old friends, it also can turn back the clock on insecurities. Fitting in, catching the eye of an old crush, impressing your peers (or at least not embarrassing yourself in front of them), the pressure can make some want to hide under the bleachers.

In fact, revisiting high school years, even decades, later can be a chance to “disprove negative prophecies” or earn the acceptance and respect that might have been denied before, said Florence Kaslow, a south Florida psychologist of more than 30 years who’s studied reunions of all sorts.

For the record, I was picked on, beaten up, etc. in high school. I guess that’s what high schoolers do in most of the world? It was not good for my psyche.  However, the deep-seated hate and resentment helped build character, helped make me the fairly successful software developer and physically fit person I am today. I am also a darn good father.

I went to my own high school reunion a little while ago. People barely recognized me, since they all remembered me as a scrawny cowardly nerd whose only joy in life was making straight-As. Well, I am STILL a nerd, but now I weigh 210 pounds @ 16% body-fat. I bench-press 205, deadlift about 230, and vertical-leg-press a quarter-ton (500lbs). My 2-year old daughter is a gorgeous angel.

Turns out that many of the people who tormented me back in the day were now totally FAT, or in some way not as strong as me (except for this one guy, a muscular “gentle giant” who never bothered me in high school anyway).

No one took me up on my offer to arm-wrestle. Not even those bastard bullies who used to take my lunch money. Obviously I didn’t feel it was appropriate to pick fights with any of them on the spot, but I made it clear, with my large vocabulary, that not only have I always been superior to them mentally, but now many years later, I am ALSO equal and practically superior to them PHYSICALLY as well, those fucking jerks.

As for the girls who wouldn’t talk to me, most of them were on their 2nd or 3rd marriages, or single. And let me tell you, women – especially those who partied, slept around, and dissed us nerds in high school – don’t age very well.  They were mostly like, droopy boobs and cellulite. I can see the shape of your push-up bras and girdles, you morons. I mean, seriously, ewww. Now I am attractive to some younger cuter women who actually GIVE me time of day, so where’s your superiority complex NOW, bitch?

So yeah, my point is, I hated high school with a passion, but my reunion was a chance to take some kind of revenge… to have some closure… but most importantly, to demonstrate that with the proper discipline and parental support, long-standing hate, anger, and resentment CAN be spun into something positive in the long run. It just takes work, focus, therapy, clean living, tons of exercise, and a nice regimen of food and bodybuilding supplements.

Wife-slapping not OK in Islam

Oh really?

News Flash – Even in “modern” western society, women STILL get bitch-slapped for even doing less. Sometimes for doing NOTHING wrong! And despite the fact that unregulated violence is illegal, we still see many people physically abusing their spouses – repeatedly – while no one gets arrested.

At least the Koran (and even the Bible, if you look closely) clearly outlines where and WHY you might drop-kick your spouse (whether male or female). At least there’s some sort of structure and system to it.

We live in a [supposedly] liberated country (USA), with a very strong Women’s Equality movement, and yet spousal violence is still happening, every day, on the street-level. WHY is that? Why are we not talking about the women who STAY in these abusive situations? Or those who INSTIGATE these situations? And especially, the women who, by their actions or inaction, encourage and REWARD such bad behavior… why are we not talking about that? Remember Chris Brown and his girlfriend Rihanna? Remember THAT story? Did she not take him back?

This is total BS.

Look, my point is… We need to focus on OUR own internal problems, frustrating cultural irregularities, maddening enforcement inconsistencies, and legal loopholes before worrying about – or trying “fix”  – other countries’.

Anything less is simple hypocrisy.

Bam. Straight to the Moon.

Man Accidently Kills Wife With Chainsaw

A woman was accidentally killed by a chainsaw. My thoughts go out to this man and his late wife.

I know that I’ll be a homeowner someday, and that my yard will be open to the sky. It will contain a doghouse and a ground-level playhouse, and maybe some grass, but NO TREES.

Why? Chainsaws.

I hate those fucking things. Hated them ever since I was a kid. I’ve seen way too many horror movies. I don’t want to be anywhere NEAR them, even if they’re turned off or bladeless. When I am watching the Discovery Channel, if someone with a chainsaw shows up on the screen, I have a slight panic attack and change the channel. One time I was eating, a commercial about forestry and logging showed up, and I bit my tongue (my tongue squirted blood all over my chicken pot pie).

Is there any “-phobia” disease that matches my morbid fear of chainsaws? If there is, I must have it.

The Sex Was NOT Worth It

Hi Melissa.

These past few days have been a emotionally stressful for both of us, mostly for you, since it was you who had to hear me confess that I was (to put it nicely) not as “single” as I’d said I was before. I apologized profusely for my deceit and my misguided and selfish attempts to keep you around (since I thought you were such a cool person to be with), yet my heartfelt apologies obviously weren’t enough. I understand.

Having said that, your reaction to all this has been – in my humble opinion – rather dark, and frankly, less than solid, being that we were supposed to be REALLY getting to know each other, intimately even.

So thanks for giving me back my stuff that I left at your place.  And thanks for reminding me of the several reasons why we can’t be contacts, aquaintances, friends OR lovers.

 

1. Your “Enlightenment” Is Shallow

Let’s see… you’re willing to run around naked with relative strangers, fornicate while yet unmarried, put “charms” on your door to protect you from “evil spirits”… yet unwilling to accept my “temporary situation”? Whoever told you were Liberal or Enlightened lied to you, buddy. You oughtta sue them for Blowing Smoke Up Your Ass.

If I’m willing to accept you for who you are, warts and all (you know EXACTLY what  I am talking about), doesn’t that make me a bit MORE enlightened than you? And I don’t even practice paganism or read a million books on Women’s Studies. I just use my own intuition. Go figure.

 

You dreamed I had a kid? Big effin’ deal. You saw the baby seat, and you were thinking about me a lot over a long time. Put those factors together, and it’s no surprise that you dreamed something about me. Personally, I often think about having special powers, so I often dream about being able to fly. A LOT. Does that make me metahuman? Uhm, no. About your “visions” of my apartment complex… nice try. Yeah, like MY partment complex is the only one that has a black iron fence and fake trees. Do you think you’re the only one who knows about Google Earth, with street-level photos? I also live fairly close to BART, so for all I know you could have been stalking me! Afterall, YOU’re the one that researches people online for your own personal reasons. I’m as suspicious and cautious as the next guy, and even *I* don’t do that, man!!

 

So yeah, you can keep your fake “enlightenment” and your special “gifts”. Call me when you learn to pass through solid objects or shoot plasma beams from your eyes.

 

2. You Flip Flop and Contradict Yourself

One day you say one thing, but the next you say something different or even opposite. Don’t give me that “emotional growth” or smug “female privilege” double-standard CRAP: regular self-contradiction does NOT inspire confidence in people around you.

 

For example, how on God’s Green EARTH do Healthy Diet and Alcohol mix? ALCOHOL IS POISONOUS TO HUMANS, The End. Yet, everytime you’re happy, you go drinking. When you’re sad, you go drinking. Yet, you eat tasteless, crappy veggie food and claim you’re trying to keep your system “clean” for your future babies? New flash: those half-dozen magaritas aren’t doing your waistline or your last few eggs any favors.

 

When we started being intimate, you wanted to be Friends With Benefits. You even TOLD me that TWICE. Remember that? I do. Did I bother you when you’re out with dates? So WTF happened there? Why were you suddenly having pangs of “jealousy” and what-not?

You said, many times – and I quote – “I always want your dick”. I even had you clarify several times. How does one go from there to “I can only offer you [charity] friendship”?

 

Here’s another one. First you claimed you never want to get married because you believe you’ll be better off as a single mother. Then last week when you were in your oh-so-attractive Hysteria mode, you claimed that you want a Nuclear family and all that, and lamented (most loudly) that other people have that life and you can’t seem to have it. Wait… What???

 

See, Melissa, whenever you performed an act of self-contradiction, you reminded me that you’re someone I could not TRUST to be consistent for any length of time. I’ll always wonder when you will turn 180-degrees on me. Me, at least I am consistently dark, depressed, and pessimistic about life. I can be COUNTED ON for that point of view. I need to be friends with people who will STICK to their principles. I need to be friends with people who are dependable, who I can count on not to change their minds from day to day… and people will Have My Back till the End.

 

You’re NOT one of those people.

 

3. You Talk Too Much!

This title deserved color and an exclamation point, because that was basically the last straw, as of Saturday evening. This is the reason why I gave some BS conciliatory words, so I could get the F outta your presence before my REAL feelings made themselves heard.

 

“Listen” closely, this is important.

 

I simply cannot be friends with someone who cannot keep my/our business PRIVATE. If you need to be told that you should keep our business private until I say otherwise, you obviously don’t know what “implied privacy” means, and you have no place in my sphere of intimacy. WTF are you doing telling Lara our bedroom activities without my consent? Telling her all kind sof stuff about me? Why am I even a topic of such in-depth discussion between you and your friends, fer Pete’s sake? Ever heard of “boundaries”? I know you will forward this email to them, but it doesn’t matter cuz apparently they all have this horrible impression of me so this email won’t change a thing (not like I give a rat’s ass).

 

Point is, frankly you need to learn to shut the “F” up. I mean, seriously.

 

However, speaking of talking Too Goddamn Much, thanks for letting slip what Kris said about me (about punching me if he sees me again). You were laughing about it… You think physical threats are FUNNY, Melissa? Do physical threats AMUSE you? Well since you tell him EVERYTHING, make sure you tell him THIS too:

 

If anyone, and I mean ANYONE – meaning Kris, Lara, or whoever else – dares strike me, I WILL respond in SELF-DEFENSE, with lethal force. Not only am I a protective father and active provider, I spent too much of my youth being bullied to allow myself to be humiliated ever again. You think you KNOW what I am capable of, because we were “friends”? Guess again, buddy. One may f*** with me or my child at one’s own risk.

 

For the record, I DID try to end our intimacy before any unpleasantness had a chance to come up. Remember that night? Remember that conversation? Well I do!

 

Now you know why.

 

Before I came to pick up my stuff, you had already mentally written me off. Admit it. You are only offering “charity friendship” partly because you work with crazy homeless people and you have a “rescuer” complex, and partly so that you don’t come off as an over-analytical, hysterical hypocrite (too late!), but I can see right through your glib self-fellating quasi-morality. You don’t REALLY want ME. And you definitely don’t NEED me. So, thanks but No Thanks, buddy… you can keep your “offer”… please, go back to your ever-so-loving, slightly-creepy clique of “supportive friends & family”, and your isolated bizarro-reality. I don’t want to KNOW you anymore. I am blocking your email address and phone number (so don’t bother responding to this). I have my wonderful baby to raise, and we don’t need to be bothered with your special flavor of BS… I need to quickly move on, and I will now do my utmost best to suppress the memories of our time together.

 

So goodnight, goodbye, and good riddance.