Man Accidently Kills Wife With Chainsaw

A woman was accidentally killed by a chainsaw. My thoughts go out to this man and his late wife.

I know that I’ll be a homeowner someday, and that my yard will be open to the sky. It will contain a doghouse and a ground-level playhouse, and maybe some grass, but NO TREES.

Why? Chainsaws.

I hate those fucking things. Hated them ever since I was a kid. I’ve seen way too many horror movies. I don’t want to be anywhere NEAR them, even if they’re turned off or bladeless. When I am watching the Discovery Channel, if someone with a chainsaw shows up on the screen, I have a slight panic attack and change the channel. One time I was eating, a commercial about forestry and logging showed up, and I bit my tongue (my tongue squirted blood all over my chicken pot pie).

Is there any “-phobia” disease that matches my morbid fear of chainsaws? If there is, I must have it.

The Sex Was NOT Worth It

Hi Melissa.

These past few days have been a emotionally stressful for both of us, mostly for you, since it was you who had to hear me confess that I was (to put it nicely) not as “single” as I’d said I was before. I apologized profusely for my deceit and my misguided and selfish attempts to keep you around (since I thought you were such a cool person to be with), yet my heartfelt apologies obviously weren’t enough. I understand.

Having said that, your reaction to all this has been – in my humble opinion – rather dark, and frankly, less than solid, being that we were supposed to be REALLY getting to know each other, intimately even.

So thanks for giving me back my stuff that I left at your place.  And thanks for reminding me of the several reasons why we can’t be contacts, aquaintances, friends OR lovers.

 

1. Your “Enlightenment” Is Shallow

Let’s see… you’re willing to run around naked with relative strangers, fornicate while yet unmarried, put “charms” on your door to protect you from “evil spirits”… yet unwilling to accept my “temporary situation”? Whoever told you were Liberal or Enlightened lied to you, buddy. You oughtta sue them for Blowing Smoke Up Your Ass.

If I’m willing to accept you for who you are, warts and all (you know EXACTLY what  I am talking about), doesn’t that make me a bit MORE enlightened than you? And I don’t even practice paganism or read a million books on Women’s Studies. I just use my own intuition. Go figure.

 

You dreamed I had a kid? Big effin’ deal. You saw the baby seat, and you were thinking about me a lot over a long time. Put those factors together, and it’s no surprise that you dreamed something about me. Personally, I often think about having special powers, so I often dream about being able to fly. A LOT. Does that make me metahuman? Uhm, no. About your “visions” of my apartment complex… nice try. Yeah, like MY partment complex is the only one that has a black iron fence and fake trees. Do you think you’re the only one who knows about Google Earth, with street-level photos? I also live fairly close to BART, so for all I know you could have been stalking me! Afterall, YOU’re the one that researches people online for your own personal reasons. I’m as suspicious and cautious as the next guy, and even *I* don’t do that, man!!

 

So yeah, you can keep your fake “enlightenment” and your special “gifts”. Call me when you learn to pass through solid objects or shoot plasma beams from your eyes.

 

2. You Flip Flop and Contradict Yourself

One day you say one thing, but the next you say something different or even opposite. Don’t give me that “emotional growth” or smug “female privilege” double-standard CRAP: regular self-contradiction does NOT inspire confidence in people around you.

 

For example, how on God’s Green EARTH do Healthy Diet and Alcohol mix? ALCOHOL IS POISONOUS TO HUMANS, The End. Yet, everytime you’re happy, you go drinking. When you’re sad, you go drinking. Yet, you eat tasteless, crappy veggie food and claim you’re trying to keep your system “clean” for your future babies? New flash: those half-dozen magaritas aren’t doing your waistline or your last few eggs any favors.

 

When we started being intimate, you wanted to be Friends With Benefits. You even TOLD me that TWICE. Remember that? I do. Did I bother you when you’re out with dates? So WTF happened there? Why were you suddenly having pangs of “jealousy” and what-not?

You said, many times – and I quote – “I always want your dick”. I even had you clarify several times. How does one go from there to “I can only offer you [charity] friendship”?

 

Here’s another one. First you claimed you never want to get married because you believe you’ll be better off as a single mother. Then last week when you were in your oh-so-attractive Hysteria mode, you claimed that you want a Nuclear family and all that, and lamented (most loudly) that other people have that life and you can’t seem to have it. Wait… What???

 

See, Melissa, whenever you performed an act of self-contradiction, you reminded me that you’re someone I could not TRUST to be consistent for any length of time. I’ll always wonder when you will turn 180-degrees on me. Me, at least I am consistently dark, depressed, and pessimistic about life. I can be COUNTED ON for that point of view. I need to be friends with people who will STICK to their principles. I need to be friends with people who are dependable, who I can count on not to change their minds from day to day… and people will Have My Back till the End.

 

You’re NOT one of those people.

 

3. You Talk Too Much!

This title deserved color and an exclamation point, because that was basically the last straw, as of Saturday evening. This is the reason why I gave some BS conciliatory words, so I could get the F outta your presence before my REAL feelings made themselves heard.

 

“Listen” closely, this is important.

 

I simply cannot be friends with someone who cannot keep my/our business PRIVATE. If you need to be told that you should keep our business private until I say otherwise, you obviously don’t know what “implied privacy” means, and you have no place in my sphere of intimacy. WTF are you doing telling Lara our bedroom activities without my consent? Telling her all kind sof stuff about me? Why am I even a topic of such in-depth discussion between you and your friends, fer Pete’s sake? Ever heard of “boundaries”? I know you will forward this email to them, but it doesn’t matter cuz apparently they all have this horrible impression of me so this email won’t change a thing (not like I give a rat’s ass).

 

Point is, frankly you need to learn to shut the “F” up. I mean, seriously.

 

However, speaking of talking Too Goddamn Much, thanks for letting slip what Kris said about me (about punching me if he sees me again). You were laughing about it… You think physical threats are FUNNY, Melissa? Do physical threats AMUSE you? Well since you tell him EVERYTHING, make sure you tell him THIS too:

 

If anyone, and I mean ANYONE – meaning Kris, Lara, or whoever else – dares strike me, I WILL respond in SELF-DEFENSE, with lethal force. Not only am I a protective father and active provider, I spent too much of my youth being bullied to allow myself to be humiliated ever again. You think you KNOW what I am capable of, because we were “friends”? Guess again, buddy. One may f*** with me or my child at one’s own risk.

 

For the record, I DID try to end our intimacy before any unpleasantness had a chance to come up. Remember that night? Remember that conversation? Well I do!

 

Now you know why.

 

Before I came to pick up my stuff, you had already mentally written me off. Admit it. You are only offering “charity friendship” partly because you work with crazy homeless people and you have a “rescuer” complex, and partly so that you don’t come off as an over-analytical, hysterical hypocrite (too late!), but I can see right through your glib self-fellating quasi-morality. You don’t REALLY want ME. And you definitely don’t NEED me. So, thanks but No Thanks, buddy… you can keep your “offer”… please, go back to your ever-so-loving, slightly-creepy clique of “supportive friends & family”, and your isolated bizarro-reality. I don’t want to KNOW you anymore. I am blocking your email address and phone number (so don’t bother responding to this). I have my wonderful baby to raise, and we don’t need to be bothered with your special flavor of BS… I need to quickly move on, and I will now do my utmost best to suppress the memories of our time together.

 

So goodnight, goodbye, and good riddance.