A woman was accidentally killed by a chainsaw. My thoughts go out to this man and his late wife.
I know that I’ll be a homeowner someday, and that my yard will be open to the sky. It will contain a doghouse and a ground-level playhouse, and maybe some grass, but NO TREES.
I hate those fucking things. Hated them ever since I was a kid. I’ve seen way too many horror movies. I don’t want to be anywhere NEAR them, even if they’re turned off or bladeless. When I am watching the Discovery Channel, if someone with a chainsaw shows up on the screen, I have a slight panic attack and change the channel. One time I was eating, a commercial about forestry and logging showed up, and I bit my tongue (my tongue squirted blood all over my chicken pot pie).
Is there any “-phobia” disease that matches my morbid fear of chainsaws? If there is, I must have it.
This story shows that even wildlife can be rubberneckers:
Marine scientists say several right whales are struck and killed each year by commercial ships passing through their feeding grounds.
But when researchers blasted warning noises from ships to scare the whales away, the lumbering giants instead swam to the surface to see what was going on — a response that put them in greater danger. Scientists found the animals are either so used to loud sounds, or so curious about them, that the noises apparently do the opposite of warning them.
If only whales were as smart as dolphins, they wouldn’t keep getting fucked LOL!!
A Pakistani man accused of killing his daughter because she wanted out of an arranged marriage told a judge Tuesday that he had done nothing wrong.
Ok that’s all fine and dandy, this guy is gonna get the chair, or at least life in prison. However, this whole story got me thinking…
How much of a LOSER was the groom, that the woman would rather stay single than be arranged to marry him? I mean, just how FUGLY and BROKE was he? And please don’t tell me any of that “Oh women want to be able to choose their mate, and not be arranged to some stranger” bullshit.
Look, whether or not we choose to publicly admit it in this Politically-fucking-Correct society, women want basically four BASIC things in a husband:
- Good looks. That includes height
- A nice-size (“big”) penis, along with the skills to fuck well
Ok that’s technically five lines not four, but you get my point. So if the groom didn’t have these bare-essential qualities, well it’s the woman’s dad’s fault for setting his daughter up with a loser. So it’s all on his head. Sorry buddy. Pakistani or not, you should know that 99.99% of women want money, protection, a handsome tall guy with a big dick. You shoulda researched all these things on the guy before setting him up with your daughter!
I firmly believe that God the Creator has a sick sense of Humor. You know why? Because only the Ultimate Joker would give us sexual urges BEFORE we’re married.
Look, if I were God, I’d design humans to initially ONLY have intellectual desire and curiosity towards the opposite gender. Then, when each person finds an intellectual and spiritual match, AND they married, only THEN would the “sexual” hormones kick in, and then they could have erections, vaginal wetness, etc. And more importantly, those hormones would ONLY work in the presence of their significant other!!
Imagine the low divorce rates! Imagine the chastity! Imagine how sexually clean and spiritually healthier this world would be! Not to mention the drastic low rates of Sexually Transmitted Diseases!
I should be God.
Ok let’s take a scenario.
Now look at this goddamn “cute couple”. You see them and you say, “Awww, they’re so cute together”. Let’s be honest, they’re thinking the same thing that EVERYONE ELSE IS THINKING:
Man: “Who cares if she has control issues and is emotionally damaged from lack of a father figure… I bet she’ll put out. I’ll fuck her hard and cum on her face. And I’ll get it all on camera.”
Woman: “I don’t care if he has a drinking problem and can’t manage his own finances… This guy is hot. I want to ride his cock, suck his balls, and let him blow his wad right on my face. And I’ll get it all on camera.”
See, if I were God, these unnecessary thoughts would be completely GONE from the human mind! It would more like “Hey girl, it’s been 3 months now… you’re smart, I’m smart… we’re mentally AND spiritually compatible! Let’s get united in the presence of God and man, joined in holy matrimony till Death do us part. And THEN I can cum on your face.”
Seriously, I should TOTALLY be God!
Here’s a scenario very likely to happen at a small business this summer: The owner arrives in the morning, and is greeted not only by the company’s receptionist, but her exposed navel. And maybe her nose ring too. Employees showing up for work in tank tops or flip-flops may inspire the boss to write an office dress code. In the summer heat, many employees, particularly those in their first jobs, may show up for work in rather skimpy attire that a small business owner feels is unsuitable for the workplace. The solution is to create a dress code — something that every business has the right to do. Tory Johnson dealt with the issue just a few weeks ago. Three interns, ages 19 to 21, showed up at Johnson’s Manhattan recruitment services firm with tank tops, exposed bra straps and flip-flops.
If I were to start a new company, I’d set the dress code up so that it was OK for bra straps, thong straps, and cleavage to show. It would also be OK for chest hair and bulging erections to show. My company would be fair and totally balanced like that.
My company’s purpose would be the development of a new airborne drug that isolates and neutralizes those hormones in the human body which respond to exposed skin, exposed underwear, side-boobs, and bulging erections. There would be no other side effect except for the fact that parents would STOP giving a damn about thigh-high miniskirts, bulging erections, and visible bra straps.
You know why? Because we’d be too busy thinking about more important things like healthcare, insurance, sky-high oil prices, ENDING GEORGE BUSH’S WAR, and PULLING THE FUCK OUT OF IRAQ.
God, I hate humanity.
Yes, bulging erections and cameltoe… these would be BOTH equally acceptable at my company, so we could take pictures and get on with our lives. Because apparently we as a society can be so easily distracted by bulding erections and cameltoe. Grow up, people.
This is probably old news by now, so I won’t go into details. Seriously, if you haven’t heard about this new LAW, that means that you need to stop watching trash fucking TV and listen to the news once in a while.
This law got me thinking… talking on the cell and driving has been a staple of our go-go culture for a long time. Judging from the growing number of fat-ass Americans still waddling around despite all the verified health dangers of obesity, human habits are hard to change. So, what will be some of the social repercussions of this law?
First of all, I bet many motorists will need something to do with their hands when driving (besides the obvious texting). If you are one of those motorists that feels that you just HAVE to do something with one hand while driving (instead of, y’know, keeping your hands ON THE FUCKING WHEEL), here are some suggestions for you:
- Let one arm hang outside the window, like many fat-asses do (because their lazy bodies are too large to fit INSIDE the car completely)… and hope that another car does not come too close and SHEAR your arm right off
- Flip off other motorists
- Flip off your passengers, for absolutely no reason whatsoever
- Jerk off
- Jerk your front passenger off. This might be somewhat inappropriate if you’re riding with your boss (but if you’re a female newscaster, it’s completely acceptable so that you can get that promotion)
- Air-drum to your favorite rock-n-roll song
I am sure you can think of other uses for your hands, you A.D.D.-having retard 🙂
Ok enough about that. Let’s talk about another issue: bluetooth hands-free headsets. I’m not going to explain what these are… again, if you don’t know what they are by now, you should probably crack the door open and go outside sometime. Direct sunlight might actually do you some good.
Anyway, I am sure you have seen many people with their little headsets attached firmly to one ear, talking “to themselves” like mental-hospital patients, little blue light flashing like they just got assimilated by the Borg.
Now that this California law is in place, that means that EVERYONE is required BY LAW to get a hands-free headset. Now we all know that continually putting on and taking off the headset can be a pain in the ass, so we can safely assume that most people, on their random trips to the mall, shopping center, restaurant, etc., will NOT take them off for that short time.
Have you ever been to a restaurant, and some jackass/slut/business professional one or two tables away is “talking to him or herself”? Ever felt like just walking over and slapping that headset off his or her fat fucking face?
|Keanu Reeves is my hero. Between Neo and Johnny Mnemonic, Keanu is the ONLY one who can wear this ridiculous cyborg-gear and get away with it. I mean it… He is just too cool for school.|
Bitch, I will slap that thing down your fucking throat! Who the HELL do you think you are???
So just imagine it… because of this law, shopping centers and other public spaces will be full of flashing, beeping people talking to themselves, and probably annoying the hell out of each other. I bet some people will bump into each other. Maybe a few fights break out, and someone gets their headset rammed so far up their ass, they can initiate phone calls just by farting.
This new law might actually do more harm than good in the long run. I’m just sayin’.
Now excuse me while I go charge my Motorola HT860 “Princess Leia” bluetooth headset, for the 3rd time today.